Lauryn Hill’s Daughter: My Mom ‘Abused’ Me, I Was A Promiscuous Teen!!

– Selah opens the video asking viewers how many of them grew up with a dad. Majority seem to respond that they grew up with their dads, and she calls those people “lucky”.

– Her and her boyfriend got into huge a fight yesterday (seems to be a regular occurrence), and she had a flashback of her at 10 years-old (around a decade ago), seeing her parents argue (this also seems to have been a regular occurrence).

– Recalls her mom incessantly texting her dad and him not responding.

– That flashback made it click for her that she deals with conflict exactly how her mom does. She hates this and wants to be different.

– It then clicked for her that her dad was essentially a deadbeat, and she is extremely “fucked up” by this reality. Her relationships and sense of self are hindered by the trauma of her dad being an absentee parent.

– Says that there is a void in her where there should be a person. Feels that this is all too common in the Black community.

– Called her dad yesterday in tears. Asked him “Where were you?”.

– Then called her mom and asked her why she and her father didn’t try harder to stay together, seeing as how they had five kids together.

– Was on Google all night, researching what it’s like to have a father.

– This all made her realise how much baggage and trauma that she projects onto her boyfriend. She feels lost because no matter what, her boyfriend can’t fix her wounds. He can’t be a father figure for her. She’s emotionally stunted.

– Talks about her frequent panic attacks and inability to express anger in a healthy way. When she loses her shit, she loses it like a child would.

– Feels as though she has a split-personality, to some degree. Goes on to clarify that she’s not qualified to diagnose herself, but thinks that this might be an actual condition that she suffers from.

– Feels as though emotionally and mentally, a part of her stopped growing at the age that her dad left the home.

– Feels particularly underdeveloped in the way that she deals with men. Males in general bring out her dark side, because she feels that she needs them to survive.

– Looks for her father in the men in her life. Hurts the men in her life as a way of dealing with her father’s absence. She needs them, but hurts them. She recognises that this is a vicious cycle.

– Feels like she has no autonomy or control, even though she knows that she does. “Glitches” when her anger gets the better of her.

– Has established that she has daddy issues.

– Has been to therapy in the past, but will go again in the near future. She’s impatient with therapy because she feels as though therapists don’t tend to get straight to the point. Wishes that therapists in general had more urgency. This is life or death for her, and she hates being treated as just another name on some therapist’s patient list.

– Resents having to take responsibility for what she feels her father and mother should be taking responsibility for. She’s having to fix herself when her parents are the ones who broke her. Asks when they will take responsibility.

– Her lack of self-control can be abusive and toxic to those around her. She wants to be a better, more peaceful person.

– When she loses it, she reverts to her six year-old self who saw how her parents communicated with each other. She yells, hits things, and throws stuff because that’s how she was her parents deal with their problems.

– Says that this is the most progressive thing that she’s ever done. Notes that the brain rationalises trauma as a means of living with it.

– Has a co-dependent relationship with her boyfriend.

– Says that she’s always felt like part of her soul was “missing”.

– Doesn’t actually know how to act in a relationship. Doesn’t have one example of a functioning relationship in her family.

– Responds to people saying that the media will jump on this with, “What doesn’t the media know? They know that Lauryn Hill has six kids. They know that Rohan Marley has a million. It’s shouldn’t surprise anyone to hear that one of those kids has daddy issues…”.

– Doesn’t know how to heal, but says that being honest with herself and talking about it is a huge start. She’s masked this pain all her life. Has no problem with starting therapy again and will do so in the near future.

– She’s not trying to be fucked up for the rest of my life, and that she’s not trying to perpetuate the cycle of her future children having no father. She hates and despises the “strong single black mom” trope and wants to avoid it in her future.

– Was talking to her mom about something recently and says that her mom sounded like an army general. Thinks that her mom is overcompensating for being a single mom of six kids, with no protector. She doesn’t want to lead the life that her mom has lead.

– Reiterates that the “strong, independent black woman” pisses her off. Yes, she’s a strong and independent person. But she’s also weak, internally. Wants more space to be weak.

– She’s in this place because she does need her father. She doesn’t know what it’s like to have a man in her life. She feels unsafe around men because she doesn’t understand their purpose.

– Will take up boxing soon.

– Can’t even focus on work right now because she now realises how much that she tries to escape through ambition. Is searching for validation through her goals and achievements.

– Needs to face the eternal void in her soul, because it’s getting bigger. That terrifies her.

– Notes that it’s easier for children to pick up on new things and adapt. She’s scared that she’s getting too old to be able to change for the better. She’s scared of always being the way that she is. She’s scared of her triggers.

– Knows that she’s young, but states that she’s already caused so much damage.

– Desperately wants to be forgiven, but also doesn’t feel responsible for the way that she is because her parents are the source of her problems.

– Once again wonders why she is out here trying to fix herself when her parents, the source of her problems, can’t even bring themselves to talk to each other.

– Now that she’s an adult, she can’t run away from her problems anymore, the way that she might have when she was 10. There’s nowhere to run anymore.

– Her parents have wisdom, but they’re ultimately set in their ways because the brain hardens as it ages. She’s scared of aging out of the time window to do something about her issues. She doesn’t want to become set in her toxic ways, like her parents both are.

– The scariest thing to her, is being like her parents. If being like them is her future, she wants life to end right now.

– Has an idea of what a man is supposed to do, but has seen it in action.

– Doesn’t ultimately know what she needs or wants. This leads to her struggling to accept the love in her life, because she doesn’t understand it.

– There’s a part of her that’s still seven years-old. This might be what her age was when her dad left.

– Is going to Miami to her her dad. She last saw her dad a year ago. Sticking around has never been his forte, but she and him have a pattern of seeing each other maybe once a year.

– Is afraid to see her dad because she doesn’t feel comfortable around him. She’s scared to bond with him. On the other hand, she doesn’t want to take him for granted, because he’s still alive.

– Feels like she because she has no father, she has no God. Feels like this is her first time respecting the male principle of God.

– Says that dads are supposed to lay the law down. Without a dad, she felt lawless growing up and still feels that way.

– Her boyfriend’s dad was also absent. Says that they feel lawless together; there’s nothing around them creating consequences or order.

– Says that this is great for America because America lives for the destruction of the Black family. Says that a fatherless Black America is why ****** have no order.

– She feels guilty because she doesn’t respect her father. But she also fears him.

– She’s shouldering a lot of her dad’s guilt as her own.

– Her and her dad have the potential to bond over not having grown up with fathers. Bob Marley died when Rohan was only 9.

– Wants to know what it means to believe in God; to know God.

– Says that no one ever wants consequences. Everyone wants to do whatever, which is why the world is so fucked up.

– Talks about God, the bible, and feminine/masculine principles. Further talks about how the culture of America promotes hatred of maleness.

– Says that mothers are taken advantage of.

– Would reject her dad’s authority growing up because she didn’t feel that she deserved any authority over her, in light of his absence.

– Says that the world doesn’t allow women to process their anger.

– She doesn’t have a problem with matriarchy. “My mother is Lauryn Hill, at the end of the day. Doesn’t get much more matriarchal than that.”.

– Says that you can be bisexual/homosexual and still understand feminine principles and masculine principles.

– Was able to get away with a lot of bad behaviour because of her mom and dad’s mutual absence in her life (her mom was touring, her dad was…being a deadbeat). She would regularly steal money from her mom and half-jokes that karma is probably still kicking her ass for that.

– Lost her virginity young; she was very promiscuous. She was obsessed with her sexuality, and remains that way. Simultaneously, she’s uncomfortable with intimacy.

– Had a lot of unprotected sex as a young teenage girl. Had to fight for herself because she had no father figure protector. Got into a lot of fights.

– Didn’t respect men, but still felt like she needed them.

– Looks for father figures everywhere.

– Realises that when she calls her male friends asking for paternal nurturing, she should be calling her dad instead.

– Notes that she has a lot of male friends (no sexual component to this). Had a lot of them growing up, because of a combination of having so many brothers and looking for father figures.

– Reiterates that she’s going to Miami to see her dad.

– She runs away from life through working and partying; always being on the move. Her need for escapism is extremely real.

– Shows us her collection of flowers. The rosemary plant looks healthy, in my opinion.

– Someone in the comments tells her that she looks like her name is Jamal and she responds sarcastically. They clarify that Jamal means “friend”. She’s doubtful, but over it.

– She never expresses her feelings to the people who need to hear them.

– Small talk drains her soul, but it’s what she resorts to in place of expressing her feelings. She resorts to small talk because she fears coldness or manic in response to her sharing her feelings.

– Doesn’t normally do IG Live because she finds having to be bubbly and entertaining all the time exhausting, and she thinks that being bubbly is the only way to keep people happy with her.

– Her relationship with her boyfriend is a safe space for her, because she doesn’t feel like she has to entertain him all the time. She can relax and be present around him. She gets triggered when she’s with him and he gets bored, though.

– She’s okay with crying nowadays, which has halted her anger.

– Hates how narcissistic and selfish that she becomes in the face of losing her shit.

– The negative feelings that plague her often become her God. They have too much control over her. She’s been writing a lot of this down throughout the Live.

– More than the desire to stop hurting herself, she wants to stop hurting other people.

– Notes that she’s actually becoming more emotionally stable. During yesterday’s argument with her boyfriend, she allowed herself to actually cry, instead of blowing up. Her toughness is a facade. She’s vulnerable.

– She’s only just started to come to terms with the fact that she’s hurt people before.

– One of her biggest fears regarding change and therapy, is that she won’t come out of it a better person, and that her loved ones won’t see a difference in her behaviour. She fears the state of being stuck.

– Often feels deflated and like there’s no point. Knows that this is bad.

This is when she veers onto the topic of Lauryn

– Her mom was constantly angry when Selah was growing up. Most times, she was downright unapproachable.

– Her mom’s idea of disciplinary punishment is very old-fashioned (i.e. “Go get the belt”).

– “My mom is an amazing woman, but she obviously didn’t do everythingright.”.

– She reenacts her mom belt beatings, and re-traumatises herself in the process.

– After a belt beating, her mom would always say, “Fix your face.”.

– Her mom’s threats were almost as bad as the beatings (“You want me to embarrass you?”, “You want me to give you something to cry about?”).

– Refers to the belt beating tradition of Black parents as “some slavery shit”.

– Talks about the anger and betrayal that a child feels when their parents discipline them with corporeal punishment. Says that because of her mom’s habit of physical punishment, the only response that she knows to conflict now as a young woman, is physical action.

– Her mom was angry because “she’s Lauryn Hill”. She was always dogged by the media, she had five kids with a man who she didn’t really get to know before she first became pregnant with Zion.

– The dysfunction of her parents’ relationship robbed her of childhood peace.

– Lauryn would also fight with her parents, in addition to fighting with Rohan.

– Hates it when parents try to be nice to the child after the beating. Notes that a child’s anger towards the parent who beats them often festers, because the child isn’t allowed to express their pain, and “you can’t hit your mom”.

– “I’m not mad at a little discipline, but what can a five year-old do? What can a seven year-old do?”.

– Zion actually got it worse, because Lauren would project her grievances with Rohan onto him.

– She heard/saw Lauryn cry a lot, usually over Rohan. Selah would cry as well. She was often the only kid in their house who was still awake and able to hear Lauren/Rohan’s arguments.

– Once Selah hit sixth grade, Lauryn calmed down immensely.

– Lauryn has made massive emotional changes and abandoned a lot of her toxic practices of old. Selah is extremely proud of her.

– Reiterates that she’s going to start boxing.

– Notes that there are smarter ways to physically discipline a child, like making them sit against the wall or kneel on rice.

– Notes that her parents never talked to their kids about sex.

– She became too close to Lauryn growing up. She knew too much about Lauryn and Rohan’s problems.

– Lauryn inadvertently taught her to hate men. “I’m her first daughter. You know, women find solace in their daughters.”.

– Lauryn and Rohan were both 21 when they had Zion. She feels that they stopped growing when that happened. “When you have kids that young, you kind of stop growing.”.

– Lauryn and Rohan don’t believe in abortion. Used to think that they should’ve got some abortions, but admits that that’s fucked up to think now.

– Some people have kids consciously, some people don’t have them consciously but try their best anyway.

– Used to be mad at her parents; now she just asks them “Why?”.

– Doesn’t want people to hear her words and think that Lauryn and Rohan are bad people.

– Wants to see Lauryn and Rohan put on a united front for once in her life. Says that they’re both scared of cleaning up their messes.

– Notes that Lauryn and Rohan want her to confront her problems (that they created), but hates their hypocrisy because they can’t even unpack their own shit.

– Starts to trail off and talk about general things. You can tell that she has unloaded and feels replenished