Heidi Klum Kisses Pig, Sofia Vergara Debut

We’re in for an interesting ride with “America’s Got Talent” this season as the show famously had to shift from live audiences to no audiences to something else entirely … and that was just the initial auditions.

This season also sees the return of Heidi Klum and  introduction of new judge Sofia Vergara, fresh off an 11-year run on ABC’s “Modern Family.” The Emmy-winner has been a scene-stealer almost her entire career on American television, and that looks to continue.

She was genuine and sweet in her debut, showing compassion for the contestants, a sense of wonder at the ridiculousness of this whole thing, and that sharp comedic tongue that’s endeared her to a generation.

As the ongoing coronavirus (COVID-19) pandemic continues to wreak havoc with normalcy across television productions, and America in general, producers have had to get innovative in how they bring some of our favorite shows to us.

It’s not yet clear how “AGT” will handle moving forward beyond these initial audition rounds — they got 17 days before stay-at-home orders changed things — but we already know things will be different than ever seen before (and we’re strangely going to miss the Statler and Waldorf twins one the audience goes away — what was that?)

“American Idol” and “The Voice” shifted to at-home performances, but that could be more challenging with some of the more elaborate stage productions that have graced “Got Talent” stages over the years. And how would those buzzers work — including the golden one?

Of course, all of that is a question for another day, and perhaps one that won’t even be an issue by the time we get there, or at least something manageable to something resembling normalcy. For now, we have the comfort food of seeing some of the most impressive, crazy, dangerous and sometimes awful auditions around.

It’s like comfort food when we need it most!

Fair warning, since I’m safe at home, I’m probably going to be a little harsher than my colleagues Howie Mandel, Heidi Klum, Sofia Vergara, and Simon Cowell. But I might be nicer, too. Maybe.

And just for fun, I’m gonna rank them from worst to first to see who emerges as my Top 6 and ultimate winner.

(montage) We were treated to a montage of disastrous performances about halfway through the show which offered the judges plenty of chances to practice their button-pressing prowess. Sadly, our dancing whoopee cushion missed out on this segment, but we’ll give an honorary membership.

It kicked off with a terrible original song by Dan Nowman which was more spoken word and terrible dancing than music, followed by Old School Skaters. This foursome may want to keep the spirit of roller skate alive, but they tried to put the final nail in it anyway. At least they stayed on their feet? Their “secret weapon” looked like he might be good, but he waited way too long to come out.

Michael Goldenberg, a performance artist, missed out on the artist half of his self-described title. It was a performance, but it was also unbelievably strange and terrible as he presented a three-person dialogue with two sock puppets and fake vomit. We’re surprised he wasn’t buzzed sooner.

Result: All the X’s

(animal act) Easily one of the cutest animal acts we’ve seen, despite the fact that the tricks were rudimentary at best. It’s amazing how switching up the animals can make such a big difference, but these pigs were absolutely adorable and the whole show went off without a hitch. Sure, it’s probably too limited to go much further than this, but it’s fun to watch and guaranteed to put a smile on your face.

Result: Y, Y, Y, Y

(magician) We’ve seen these kind of fun mental games before where a magician touches one person and the other feels it, but Ryan did take it to the next level with the connection he created/manifested between Simon and Howie. It was a successful presentation delivered with gusto and charm which is key for this kind of thing, but he’ll need a lot more in his bag of tricks to impress again. Still, we think he deserves that chance.

Result: Y, Y, Y Y

(musicians) These two law enforcement professionals met six months ago as solo musicians and came together to perform for the first time ever on the “AGT” stage. It took them a bit to figure each other out as they share a raspy soulfulness but one certainly has the bigger and higher range, while the other offers more grit. It’s a compelling combination that could grow into something really special. On the right tracks, they could be real contenders.

Result: Y, Y, Y Y

(drummer) Malik promised us something we’d never seen before and he certainly delivered. Honestly, we’d have loved to see him on a drum kit or with a wider array of drums so we could get more diversity of sound from his crazy drumming, but we were nonetheless mesmerized by his dance moves, his creativity in drumming and the rapid-fire delivery he was able to do perfectly in sync with his track. Hopefully some of our thoughts are where it goes from here, otherwise it might be hard to up his game.

Result: Y, Y, Y Y

(choir) A choir made up of homeless or former homeless individuals, Voices of Our City not only gave them a voice but also a workshop where they wrote their own original song. So it was their voice in every way on one of the largest platforms in the world. Vocally, it wasn’t the strongest at all times, but there was so much heart and conviction it didn’t matter. And the spoken word “rap” segment was just beautiful. This is an act that can make you feel.

Result: Terry’s Golden Buzzer

(impressionist) From Eminem to Snoop Dogg, Jay-Z and more, Vincent was actually very impressive as he moved his way through some of the biggest rap voices of all time. And it wasn’t just cadence and delivery he had mastered, these were bona fide vocal impressions as well. A social media sensation, this was his first time in front of a live audience and he was really rock solid.

Result: Y, Y, Y Y

(dancers) Okay, there were definitely some recognizable elements of salsa in this high-flying, energetic routine from the India’s Got Talent winners, but mostly it was incredible tricks and flips and throws and so much trust from this young 15-year-old girl it was literally breathtaking. We’re still trying to catch our breath and catch up to just how many tricks they squeezed into such a short span of time. “World of Dance” might ding them on technicalities and specific moves, but as far as athleticism in dance, this was top-notch and incredibly entertaining.

Result: Y, Y, Y, Y

(singer) Incarcerated for life for a murder-rape henever actually committed, DNA evidence finally freed Archie after 37 years behind bars. There was so much genuine pain for all that he’d lost in a beautiful vocal performance that touched everyone in attendance, and yes got us at home, too. It’s not just his story, either, which is a heartbreaking statement on how the American justice system fails black men all the time, but the pure and stunning quality of his voice.

Result: Y, Y, Y Y

(danger act) We got danger we’ve never seen before, including an incredible blade-biting, sledgehammer, cinder block trick performed just a few feet in front of the judges. It was crazy, it was wild that Terry just went along with it, and talk about delivering with danger, showmanship and absolutely controlling the tension in the room up through the stunt and even the delayed reveal of his intact smile. It was beautifully done.

Result: Y, Y, Y Y

(singers) We’re not sure if these twins were really waiting through that earlier montage of terrible performances, but it made for compelling television as one of them said she was feeling more and more ill with each buzzer and then Simon left (needing a break) right before they came out. Then, their introductions were cringey, not helping. But then they started singing and dancing and they were absolutely incredible. With soaring harmonies, they’re each consummate entertainers, but together this was truly something magical. That was a tour de force of talent.

Result: Y, Y, Y Y

“America’s Got Talent” continues on Tuesdays at 8 p.m. ET on NBC.

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