After Ariana Grande name-dropped Pete Davidson in her art on the track “thank u, next,” the comedian is returning the favor by dropping shots at his ex during his Netflix comedy special “Alive from New York,” which hit the streamer on Tuesday.
According to the “Saturday Night Live” star he decided that Grande was “fair game” for jokes after a friend of his told him, “I recently heard that Ariana said she had no idea who you were and she just dated you as a distraction.”
Pete had previously suggested that he was pretty sure Ariana broke off their engagement because of the death of her previous boyfriend, Mac Miller, which hit the singer very hard.
[editors note: the following teaser for Pete’s “Alive from New York” Netflix special is extremely NSFW for language!]
Comparing art for art, Pete said, “You know, she has her songs and stuff and this is what I have, okay? All right? That’s it, all right?”
He went on to nip critics who might argue he’s airing their dirty laundry by saying, “How could you do that? Where did she say this stuff? To her friends? In the confidence of her own home?’ No, she said it on the cover of Vogue magazine.”
In the cover story, Ariana described her relationship with Pete as a “distraction,” calling it “frivolous and fun and insane and highly unrealistic.” The couple started dating the same month she and Mac broke it off and were engaged for four months before it all ended shortly following Mac’s death.
He then took a potshot at Ariana, who took flak for her spray-tanned appearance on that cover, adding, “Can you imagine if I did that? My career would be over tomorrow. If I spray-painted myself brown and hopped on the cover of Vogue magazine and just started shitting on my ex?”
He said he would get trashed if he said he was “f–king her ’cause I was bored” until “Fortnite came out,” but what repercussions did Ariana experience? “She won Billboard’s Woman of the Year, he said. “And I got called ‘Butthole Eyes’ by BarStoolSports.com.”
The comedian also said that he wasn’t thrilled that Ariana went public to talk about his penis, going so far as to quip it’s “like 10 inches.”
“I didn’t like it, because it’s just simply not true,” he said. “It’s not — she has tiny little hands. She has very little hands. Everything is f—ing huge to her. Yeah. It was a f— joke the entire time.” What he wasn’t prepared for was how much Ariana’s fanbase would amplify every little thing in their relationship to mammoth proportions.
He then joked that this was strategic on Ariana’s part, saying, “She did that so that — she’s a genius, remember this, she’s a very smart person, okay? She did that so that every girl that sees my d— for the rest of my life is disappointed.”
Even after appearing to rail on his ex for quite some time, Pete made sure to remind his audience and the viewers at home, “Again, these are jokes, I don’t want any smoke, okay?” He’s doing what comedians do, which means fans should do what fans do when comedians do what they do, right? They should get outraged and go on social media.
“My biggest fear is that I’m gonna get shot in the back of the head by a 9-year-old with a ponytail and the last thing I’m gonna hear is ‘#canceled,'” Pete said of perceived backlash from Ariana’s fervent fanbase.
Pete also continued to prove he has no f–ks to give when it comes to talking about “Saturday Night Live.” After saying that he’s been thinking it was time to go because the cast treats him like he’s “f–king stupid,” he went further during his special to say that the show forced his on-air apology to Dan Crenshaw, the politician and veteran he mocked for having an eyepatch.
Pete’s joke was that Crenshaw looked more like a hitman in a porno movie than a candidate for Congress. “It was a very harmless ‘Saturday Night Live’ joke,” he said. “I didn’t think anything of it.”
Saying, “I kind of got forced to apologize” — Crenshaw showed up the following week for that apology — Pete joked that his mother “thought I should apologize so that I didn’t get shot in the face.”
“The only thing I did do, which I am guilty of and I apologized for, is I did make that guy famous, and a household name for no reason,” Pete said. “I did what Ariana Grande did for me.”
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