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Dude, you know without pause what your ex’s zodiac sign is—and you can recall it without even having to remember that time they forgot about you at the bar on their birthday, too. Determining an ex’s star sign is like the innate ability white girls have of knowing every single Taylor Swift lyric without even listening to the album. It’s like it gets downloaded into our psyche during REM. You see, people, as a general rule, are very fucking strange. And exes always take the cake. Suddenly, all the things in the relationship that first struck you as OmgCute! LikeSooooCharmmiing! Or Haha! Zany! are then revealed to just be the bizarre shit and quirks that make up who they really are. And thanks to astrology, we can feel better knowing that that red flag is probably just a common trait your ex’s sign shares as a collective. (Like, for me, there are only two things in this world that I really, desperately love: myself and arguing. What’s my sign? Gemini. BOOM.)
And even though it’s not quite December yet, our zodiac signs as exes reminds me forcibly of Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol. (And obviously I am referring to the Duck Tales’ version, because I wasn’t raised by wolves.) Or maybe it just reminds me of that one Matthew McConaughey movie, Ghosts of Girlfriends Past.
Anyway, imagine yourself in one of those weird little nightcaps that people wore in the Victorian era as the Ghosts of Exes Past parade into your tiny, overpriced apartment and try to gaslight you into thinking you were overly emotional that time you cried when he called you “Dude.” Or don’t. Your experience was unique to your situation, etc., etc.—but there’s something about your exes that, after all the heartbreak and bullshit, you can distill them down to a few, simple identifying traits. I’m not talking about being reductive in re: the complex intricacies of shared human experiences and connection. But you always knew that Dave was a momma’s boy, and he always said nuc-yah-lur instead of nuclear, and now at least you can admit it.
Knowing your ex’s zodiac sign is healing because it affirms not only their lesser desirable characteristics, but it also shines a light on their best qualities—what inspired you, what made your heart go wacky whenever you saw them, and hopefully how that relationship made you at least a little bit of a better person. Or not.
What Kind of Ex They Are, According to Astrology:
Image: Haley Longbottom.
Aries – The Competitive Jock
Constantly checking SPORT SCORES on his phone, your Aries ex is more than competitive: He’s out for blood. This ex took you to every sporting event in the tri-state area and was an excellent cook. Dating highlights include the time when they got weirdly intense playing charades with your family at Thanksgiving and called your brother a punk when he lost.
Image: Haley Longbottom.
Taurus – The Ex with Rich Parents
Did you love them, or did you just love the cashmere sweaters you got for the holidays? It’s a toss-up. This ex was generous, sweet and had zero idea about how to be an adult or buy groceries on any kind of budget. This ex showed you the finer things in life, then broke up with you two days after Valentine’s Day.
Image: Haley Longbottom.
Gemini – The Life-Ruiner
Need I say more? Gemini is an emotional roller coaster and hard to forget—for better and for worse. Gemini as an ex will make the hairs stand up on the back of your neck and have you double-checking your phone to make sure you aren’t accidentally calling them while you recount horror stories to your new coworkers at lunch.
Image: Haley Longbottom.
Cancer – The Stage-Five Clinger
Sweet Cancer will remind a lot of people of their first true love—the intensity, the hand-written love notes. So, like, multiply all of that mushiness by 100 and you have the Stage-Five Clinger. (Cancer probably asked you how many kids you wanted in the middle of your second date.) They’re incredibly wonderful, but every time you saw them you felt like you were trapped in a dungeon!
Image: Haley Longbottom.
Leo – The Life of the Party
During your early college days, Leo was the perfect party companion. This ex knew how to show you a good time—and looked good doing it. Plus, they always knew what to bring to a party (it’s ice, it’s always ice). Unfortunately, they were never the life of the after-party—and after one too many barf sessions, you called it quits.
Image: Haley Longbottom.
Virgo – The Soccer Parent in Training
This is the ex that had a Google Calendar event set up with everyone’s birthday in it, who always came to a complete stop at stop signs, and was always nagging you to call your mother more. When you look back at pictures with this ex, you think, “Gee, I really used to look a lot healthier.” This ex made your day-to-day life better, but they also made you work hard.
Image: Haley Longbottom.
Libra – The Wildcard
This sign as an ex would range from pleasant and charming to indecisive and fretful. Like a box of chocolates, you never knew what you were going to get (thanks, Forrest). Planning for trips and the like was equal parts anxiety-inducing and wrought with anticipation. But also, this ex was incredible at Uno and always returned your calls.
Image: Haley Longbottom.
Scorpio – The Emotionally Unavailable
The sex was good but the second you said, “I feel…” this person shut down like the Nixon administration after Watergate. While this ex could be incredibly passionate, there was a lot of guesswork involved. You were never really sure what your lover was thinking—which made romantic gestures all the more special, but after a while, it’s nice to be with someone who can speak directly about their intentions and feelings.
Image: Haley Longbottom.
Sagittarius – The Philosophical Intellectual That Your Mom Thought Was Super Pretentious But Didn’t Say Anything Because Really, What Can Be Said?
For every time your ex said something sexy and profound that impressed you and all of your friends—there were, like, twenty other times that you were like, “Jesus. When will they be quiet? Stop shattering this beautiful silence—I’m begging you.” You knew from the very beginning that this ex was a bit of a blowhard, but they had enough charming qualities to make up for it. At least, until they tried to bring up Sartre in conversation for the umpteenth time, and you lost it.
Image: Haley Longbottom.
Capricorn – The One Who Broke Your Heart into Nine Million Pieces and Ruined David Bowie For You
Capricorns demand a lot from themselves—as well as from their romantic partners and relationships. Maybe it’s because I’m half in-love with every Capricorn I’ve ever met, but this is the ex that made you pause. I don’t know if people ever really get away—but if anyone does, it’s a Capricorn. Also, they had excellent taste in music and ruined so many bands for you. RIP David Bowie.
Image: Haley Longbottom.
Aquarius – The One That Took Your Favorite Hoodie
Aquarius is generous and independent, which is why you’re still slightly flummoxed about why they always took your favorite clothes. You found your ex more than once with a guilty look on their face as they spilled salsa on your favorite summer camp T-shirt. But you always forgave them—and then took all of their socks for good measure.
Image: Haley Longbottom.
Pisces – The Wishful Thinker
Dreamy Pisces always shines brightest in the beginning of relationships, where their idealistic thinking and romantic inclinations are the perfect fodder for fairytales. They were always talking about what they’d do once they made it big, or extravagant vacations they wanted to take you on. While most of these plans never actually happened, it was almost as much fun daydreaming together about them all.