Amount the DCCC raised last month, more than the House Democrats’ campaign arm has ever raised in February: $11.6 million
Cost of “Aurora,” the supercomputer being built by the Department of Energy for the Argonne National Laboratory near Chicago and purchased specifically to brew Rick Perry’s coffee: $500 million
Size of the fine against Google by the European Union for blocking ad rivals: $1.7 billion
Expected GDP growth this year, far lower than Trump’s promise of “four, five, even six percent” growth, according to the losers and haters at the Federal Reserve: 2.1%
Odds of finding a pearl in an oyster, according to some internet site:1-in-12,000
CHEERS to terminating the suspense. This just in, hot and sizzling on a steel platter forged from the fires of Mount Mueller:
Smoke ‘em if ya got ‘em.
CHEERS to government in action. Wow! You won’t believe what happens when you put on your special “if only” glasses and read this:
President Donald Trump said Thursday that the United States will ban military-style semiautomatic weapons. “Every semiautomatic weapon used in terrorist attacks will be banned,” Trump said at a news conference.
No, kitteh! Removing the glasses brings back reality!
The ban includes military-style assault rifles, high-capacity magazines and tools to modify firearms, and the arms “will be categorized as weapons with an E-class endorsement” until legislation formally passes, according to Trump. … Once legislation on the ban passes, which is expected, possessing such firearms will result in a $4,000 fine or three years in prison.
CHEERS to fun with math. 2 hydrogen atoms + 1 oxygen atom + the United Nations + chips ‘n dip + balloons = World Water Day party! Yes, today is the 27th World Water Day, which actually isn’t so much a party as it is an opportunity to remember that if we keep fucking up our water supply we’re all going to end up shriveled and stupid and sick with a sink full of dirty dishes and a stinky bathroom. This year’s theme is “Leaving No One Behind,” highlighting those who sometimes face discrimination as they try to access the water they need. Not a problem, we’re good thanks, said Nebraska.
P.S. The heartland is drowning. Trump is golfing. Discuss.
CHEERS to signin’ significant stuff. Nine years ago tomorrow, one letter at a time, President Barack Obama signed his name to the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act, making it the law of the land and fulfilling a promise he coincidentally made 12 years ago this week:
[W]e recognize that every four years we hear somebody’s got a health care plan.
Every four years, somebody trots out a white paper—they post it on the web. But the question we have to challenge ourselves: Do we have the political will and the sense of urgency to actually get it done? I want to be held accountable for getting it done.
The “BFD Moment” nine years ago.
I will judge my first term as president based on the fact on whether we have delivered the kind of health care that every American deserves and that our system can afford.
The poor law’s been so battered and bruised by health-hating Republicans over the last decade-minus-one years that ya hope to god it has an Obamacare gold plan sealed in a titanium shell. But, by god, it’s still working. And speaking as an individual who got insurance through the healthcare.gov exchange, it’s working fine for me judging by my two most-important metrics: 1) I’m still alive and 2) in June I’m breaking ground on my new summer cottage made out of free tongue depressors.
Fed Chairman Whatsizname
CH’CHING to meeting Mr. Moneybags. On Wednesday Jerome Powell adjusted his green eyeshades, strapped a solid-gold coin changer to his belt, took a deep breath, strode out onto a balcony, waved to his admirers, and delivered proclamations as chairman of the Federal Reserve. After delivering a blessing upon the Almighty Dollar, he washed Wall Street investors’ feet and offered gluten-free trillion-dollar coin wafers and sips (okay, swigs) of 1869 Château Lafite for communion, but not before sermonizing that it’s easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than it is to raise interest rates. In the distance, the pope sought medical treatment for an acute case of eyeroll.
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JEERS to self-righteous knuckledragging. On this date in 1638, progressive preacher Anne Hutchinson was booted from the Massachusetts Bay Colony by the Puritan leadership after being accused of “Blasphemy!” and “Lewd conduct!” Today Vice President Mike Pence unveiled a statue to commemorate the event. In honor of the Puritans.
JEERS to harps and wings denied. Big excitement around the globe as a house-sized asteroid headed straight for earth yesterday. And guess what? While you were sleeping it actually smashed into our planet and destroyed everything including all of humanity!!! And now, as we wipe the after-life sleepies from our eyes, it slowly dawns on us: Heaven is just a carbon copy of the third planet from the sun, God is a forever-out-of-sight “clockmaker,” and Trump is still president. Well. Shit.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Here are some of the haps on the teevee this weekend. Start with Chris Hayes and Rachel Maddow, who will have plenty of Friday news dumping to sift through. On HBO’s Real Time, Bill Maher talks with Trump arch-nemesis Rep. Eric Swalwell (D-CA), author Irshad Manji, national security analyst Evelyn Farkas, TV producer Larry Charles, and pollster Kristen Soltis Anderson.
Or you could spend a delightful weekend turning your TV into a lovely spring planter. Cuz it’s spring now!!!
New home video releases include the Oscar-winning Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse and some vintage goodies like Cheech Marin’s Born in East L.A. Big sports weekend ahead: the NBA schedule is here and the NHL schedule is here. NCAA March Madness continues this weekend—the women’s bracket is here and the men’s bracket is here. And the World Figure Skating Championships are tomorrow night on NBC. On 60 Minutes: segments on the effects of legalized sports betting, the cyber espionage tool “Pegasus,” and Samuel L. Jackson. Krusty airs an all-female version of Itchy and Scratchy on The Simpsons, and the Griffins provide “DVD commentary” on a recent episode on Family Guy. Sorry, but no new episode of John Oliver’s Last Week Tonight to tuck you into bed Sunday night. In his place, use Ian Dury and the Blockheads’ Lullaby for Franci/esto send you off to Sleepy Land.
Now here’s your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: TBA
Would somebody please figure out how to clone this guy?
Face the Nation: House Intelligence Committee chairman Adam Schiff (D-CA); rep. Hakeem Jeffries (D-NY). retired Marine Gen. John Allen; CBS News justice correspondent Paula Reid.
This Week: TBA
CNN’s State of the Union: House Judiciary Committee chairman Jerry Nadler (D-NY); Rep.Pramila Jayapal (D-WA), co-chair of the House progressive Caucus.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Rep. Jim Himes (D-CT), member of the House Intelligence Committee; Billionaire businessman and philanthropist T. Denny Sanford, who has pledged to die broke.
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: March 22, 2009
JEERS to failed comedians. George W. Bush had to fly to Canada to find anyone gullible enough to pay him for a speech. Protestors—many wielding shoes—made their presence known outside the Calgary Convention Centre, while inside the ex-president displayed his usual tin-eared wit, saying: “I actually paid for a house last fall. I think I’m the only American to have bought a house in the fall of 2008. HehHehHeh…” How cute—he made an economic collapse joke!!! (I hope at least the poor saps attending enjoyed the veal.)
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And just one more…
CHEERS to the guy at the helm of the most famous bridge in space. Happy birthday to one of the greatest gifts Canada ever gave the universe: Emmy- and Golden Globe-winner William”Kirk” Shatner, who turns 88 today and still looks and acts like he’s thirty years younger. (I still catch an episode of the original Star Trek series that, astonishingly, I haven’t seen before, and I become a kid again, my face plastered an inch from the screen with a giant glass of Hires root beer in one hand and a bag of cheese puffs in the other.) Here’s a clip that hits a spectacular trifecta of bizarre American history. This is from July, 2009, when Conan O’Brien was host of The Tonight Show, Sarah Palin had just given her batty farewell address and officially became known as the “half-term governor of Alaska,” and, perhaps most amazing of all, Howard Dean was filling in for Keith Olbermann on MSNBC’s Countdown. What Shatner brings to this clip is almost superfluous, but still brilliant:
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Sarah learned an important lesson that day: don’t bring a phaser to a photon torpedo fight.
Have a great weekend. Floor’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about today?
